Grief Just Is… 

Photo Source: Claudia Wolff, @kaimantha, via Unsplash.

Kat Kelly – Usually when I hammer something out on paper, audio, or video, I try to find the positive lesson in it. What can I learn from this? How can I share? How will this help me? How will this help others? Who do I want to hear?

But, sometimes I think the best lesson for each of us is that sometimes, things just are…

You know that saying, “it is what it is?” I absolutely detest that saying. Why? Because sometimes people say it when it isn’t. Sometimes people say it when they want to accept a less than ideal situation, or are settling for less than they should.

But, with grief, I actually think it applies.

When I peel off the layers of busy, which are there no matter what, as I learned through the pandemic of 2019+, even when I learn to stay home, I’m still really busy. But, when I peel back all those layers and I slow down and I pause my thinking, there is sadness. After my mom died, I learned to call this the tears behind my eyes.

Last night I dreamt of one of my long-term dear friends who passed away last month. She was one of three friends who were in my immediate circle, who had untimely deaths over the past year. It’s a lot to process.

I’ve still never fully processed the loss of my oldest brother, my mother, my father, and my mother-in-law who all left the physical plain, let alone the emotional loss of friends and family who crossed-over to a very dark side well past what was once just a political divide.

When I started Vexteo, my goal was not to blog or write. Sure, I have a couple of shows that are just waiting for me to kick off – they’re coming, they’re coming, I assure you – but, I started it because I know what happens when we keep things inside. I always assumed that those things were always of the light, but the truth is; sometimes they can be of the dark too. And only through letting it out can we move it along the path of processing.

Anna shared with me something she learned from Brené Brown; ultimately it’s that your body doesn’t know the difference between what is real and what your brain is telling yourself could be real. So, I started to dig in.

Page one of Google has a bunch of links to dig into and of course a billion Ted Talks I need to listen to. This article from Joe Gibson of Above the Middle has the jist of the concept. You understand.

As an empath, this real vs not real is a huge struggle for me.

As I think about how I process loss, the truth is, I’m not great at it. All the therapy in the world can’t pull it out of me and it can’t pull it out of you. So, the moral to today’s story? Go easy on yourself. What I have learned is this *thing* I started for other people, is actually a salve to me when I just don’t know what to do with my thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes it just feels good to get them out. And this is part of my process. Find your path and your process at your own pace.

For me, today just looked like work, a lunchtime ride to Starbucks while listening to Mary Lambert’s, ‘Grief Creature,’ and just putting these words on paper. And for today, I allowed myself to go easy on me.

I encourage you to do the same. Peace, y’all.


Kat Kelly is the founder of Vexteo and started the network so that others could share. Now she finds herself periodically, randomly ranting about deep stuff.