Anna Leary – It’s 4:48 AM and here I am. Like you said I should be, Glennon. I’m taking my first day of Faith and Sweat Time.
My Day One of ME time. Time heading toward the one thing that I always say is what I want to do “when I have enough time.” Or, “I feel deep down inside that I AM a writer…but I just don’t have the TIME.”
Yet, when I honestly look at myself and my time during the day – yeah, I’m super tired at night after the kids go to bed (can I get an AMEN, parents?!), I find time to watch at least THREE HOURS of consecutive news programming (yeah, I get it, we have an addiction…but in this day and age, I feel like we can’t look away or we’ll miss something major).
So, the TIME I’m looking for? GET UP EARLY. Was I really looking for the FOUR AM time slot? Well, no. But, the opportunity presented itself and instead of pushing down the urge like I do so often to catch some more sleep, I turned on the lamp, got out the headphones, did a 5-minute perusal/sweep of social media (what a hard habit to break – but only 5 minutes, aren’t you impressed?) and here we are.
My wife quietly asked, “Are you OK?” Me, whispering, “Yeah, go back to sleep.” Her, “What are you doing?” Me: “Taking some ME time.”
Have you ever just felt like the time is NOW and things are aligning and just waiting on you to act? No? Yeah, me either. That sounds like some late night infomercial nonsense. But, maybe it’s true.
Maybe God really does come to you through little nudges and messages from other people.
Since having kids especially, I’ve been having a really hard time finding MYSELF. I think I’ve done a decent job falling into the stay-at-home-mom role. We have fun. The kids are amazing and fun and completely frustrating and exhausting and yet it’s all a perfect package at the end of the day. My wife and I have found a good groove of co-parenting. We’re still finding our groove of how to be a couple above and before being parents. But, it’s coming. Our kids are still small toddlers and are really needy and it’s all OK. It’s all part of the flow of life.
What I have noticed is that I’ve fallen into a familiar pattern. I’ve jumped into a role and so immersed myself that Real Anna gets lost. Who is she? (Insert urge to take a social media break to avoid digging deep and finding REAL and deep personal answers. Old patterns that I’m really good at—there’s a reason I haven’t stayed in therapy long enough to work through my shit. It’s hard. I’m not ready yet. I know there’s a lot under the surface. I’m just not ready yet. I’m here now, though. This has to be good enough for right now.)
Who am I REALLY? I’ve felt for a really, really, really long time that I’m truly a writer deep down. But you know what I find myself doing anything but? Writing. I come from a long-line of untouched greatness, untapped potential, and unrecognized royalty. People who just let LIFE get in the way of all the GOOD things God had brought to them to make them GREAT. They mostly lived good lives, but they were hard lives. I get it. It’s hard to see God’s greatness for your life when you feel like you’re stuck in constant struggle.
You can’t tell the story deep inside if you don’t give it a chance to come out.
Stay Tuned. Part 2 coming SOON.
Anna Leary is a wrangler of two amazing kids, a Glennon Doyle fan-girl, a partner, community activist, and is always trying to make time to get those stories out.